The Only Way Out is Through (Or, How I Learned to Stop Abandoning Myself)

Up until earlier this year, whenever I felt what I decided was a “bad” feeling, like sadness, anger, or anxiety, I would try to shove it down in my head or run away from it. I did this because I believed that these feelings were getting in the way of my ability to happily go about my life. I think most people can relate to this; we tend to label our emotions as “good” or “bad,” but the reality is that an emotion is just an emotion, a feeling is just a feeling, and a thought is just a thought (of course, this isn’t to say that every thought that you have is healthy, because there is a difference between healthy thought patterns and unhealthy thought patterns). But when it comes to emotions themselves, we’ve seen the evidence that many people believe that certain feelings are “ok” or “good” to feel, while others are inherently “bad” to feel and should therefore be avoided. This gets communicated in a myriad of ways, sometimes through phrases that sound as innocent as “good vibes only,” “don’t worry, be happy” and “just look on the bright side!”

On top of this, our minds are predisposed to avoid things that make us uncomfortable. As humans, our brains can become hyper-sensitive to pain because it’s a sign that something’s wrong, that we’re in danger. It’s the same response that your brain had when you were a child and you put your hand on a hot stove, or shut your finger in a car door, or nearly strangled yourself with your seat belt (that last one comes from personal experience): your brain learns to avoid the behavior that will cause the pain. But what starts out as a survival tactic can become a maladaptive strategy for coping over time. As a result, many people will pay a very high price to avoid feeling their emotional pain, sometimes without being aware of what they’re doing. In order to distract ourselves from painful events, we numb our brains with booze, Instagram, Tik Tok, Netflix binges, food binges, etc., and the list goes on and on. Like any avoidance strategy, this approach never really results in a satisfying resolution.

Let’s face it: overall, 2020 was a difficult year. And honestly, I cannot tell you the number of times this year that people told me to compartmentalize my thoughts, push forward, and just not think about how much everything sucked. But I am simply not a compartmentalizer at heart (or mind). I’m not great at putting “messy” emotions in neat little boxes and set them aside in order to keep up appearances. At the same time, however, I didn’t possess the tools that I needed in order to accept how I was feeling and still find ways to make it through the day. The result was that I spent a lot of time stuck in this awful limbo stage where I just felt miserable all of the time, and on top of that, I began to feel horribly anxious about feeling miserable. In those moments, I became a textbook avoider: instead of facing my feelings, I’d grab a bag of Twizzlers, crawl under the covers of my bed, and watch old episodes of Frasier for hours on end.

I had to do a lot of work to be able to get to a place where I felt accepting towards my feelings, and learning how to sit comfortably with my emotions has been one of the hardest lessons for me. It doesn’t sound difficult, in fact, it sounds like you don’t have to do anything. But just because something is simple doesn’t mean that it’s easy. With practice, though, I’ve been able to develop a list of strategies that help me stay with myself during even the most difficult moments. These strategies are what author Glennon Doyle calls “reset buttons,” or the things that make staying with ourselves a little more possible. “Easy buttons” are the avoidance strategies, the things that cause you to abandon yourself because distracting from the pain is easier than living in it. Here’s what I do to stop abandoning myself when I’m in the trenches:

Meditate. I know. I used to roll my eyes too. Meditating is difficult, and when you have ADD and anxiety, it’s even harder. I used to think it was a bunch of nonsense, but when nearly all of the mental health experts that you follow say that the same thing works for them, then maybe it’s time to listen. I use the Headspace app for most of my meditations, though I’ve heard great things about the Ten Percent Happier app too. I try to find time for a 10-minute meditation at least once a day, and sometimes even just knowing that I’ve made the effort to do it makes a difference in my day.

Do the NYT Mini Crossword puzzle, or a Sudoku puzzle. There are times when my brain is in overdrive that trying to quiet my mind through meditation just makes me feel even more frustrated. When that’s the case, doing the daily NYT Mini or a quick Sudoku puzzle forces my mind to tap into its problem-solving skills and helps me cut through all of the noise. I’m very reward-driven, so that small sense of accomplishment whenever I finish a puzzle is an added comfort.

Do a quick Duolingo exercise. Similar to crossword puzzles or Sudoku, practicing French or Italian via Duolingo helps me satisfy the “productive” urge in my brain while also subconsciously preparing for the day when I can actually travel again.

Go for a walk (and if we’re really in the weeds, go for a run). Even though I’d like to deny it, all of the research out there shows that exercising is the number-one activity for stress management and reduction. In their book Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle, sisters Emily and Amelia Nagoski explain how even just 20 minutes of physical exercise triggers a response in your brain to releases stress that can otherwise build up in your body over time and cause heart disease, a myriad of gastrointestinal issues, and even cancer. This alone is enough to encourage more physical activity on a daily basis, but even just getting outside for a quick walk around the block can have a big impact on my mood.

Write out a list of 5-10 things I’m grateful for. This is another suggestion that I would have rolled my eyes at earlier this year. However, once again, the research shows us that gratitude is one of the strongest antidotes for stress and worry. The key is not to approach this exercise with the mentality of “plenty of other people out there have it far worse, I should just be grateful for what I have,” but rather to recognize that while your struggles are valid, there are many positive things in each of our lives that we forget to recognize on a daily basis. My gratitudes have ranged from the big picture stuff (my dogs, my friends, my family, etc.), to the mundane things that make my day a little better but that I often fail to recognize (space heaters, automatic garage door clickers, or breath mints, to name a few).

Take a shower. Some people prefer baths for relaxation, but taking a bath only ever seems to heighten my anxiety. I don’t know why, and I’m not going to explore it further. I used to be a shower “thinker,” but now I try to be more mindful with that time instead. It’s one of the few times during my day that I know I can’t be disturbed by emails, calls, or other intrusions, so I’m working on appreciating that more.

Listen to the Ten Percent Happier podcast. The host, Dan Harris, is a journalist for ABC News and began meditating after he had a panic attack on-air in 2004. Like me, Dan was skeptical of most self-care strategies, including meditation, so I appreciate his “no-frills” approach to mental health. Two of the most recent episodes (at the time this was published) are interviews with Dr. Kristin Neff and Dr. Brené Brown, two incredible women who have had a huge influence on my life this year.

Needlepoint. There are many reasons why needlepoint has become wildly popular this year, not the least of which being that it's a great stress-reducer. I work at a local needlepoint store, and many of our customers claim to stitch because it’s “cheaper than therapy” (though depending on the customer, that’s not always true). Needlepointing is a rewarding exercise because you're able to see your continued progress as you work on a piece, and after you've finished the project, you have a tangible reflection of your hard work. The repetitive motions of stitching are also quite soothing.

These are the activities that I turn to when I feel myself starting to slip. Slipping looks different to everyone; for me, it looks like staying in bed past 11am, scrolling on Instagram for longer than 5 minutes at a time, reading too much celebrity news, online shopping (because really, I have ENOUGH things), avoiding mirrors, and not leaving the house at least once during the day. I've learned to recognize these warning signs and the ensuing anxiety that urges me to drop everything and abandon my job, my family, my apartment, and my life. Staying with myself wasn't easy at first, but it gets better each time I get the urge to look for a new apartment and instead try to figure out which country has three dots in its name (8 across, 4 letters: Fiji).